Sunday, April 27, 2014
The Narcissistic Mother. Bye Bye, Mommy Dearest: All you are asking the abusive Narcissistic Mother...
The Narcissistic Mother. Bye Bye, Mommy Dearest: All you are asking the abusive Narcissistic Mother...: AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY.....Proverbs 26:11 NLT BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT ...
All you are asking the abusive Narcissistic Mother to do is JUST STOP IT. Nothing else.
AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY.....Proverbs 26:11 NLT
BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT HEART, YOU ARE STORING UP WRATH AGAINST YOURSELF FOR THE DAY OF GOD'S WRATH, WHEN HIS RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT WILL BE REVEALED. GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE....Romans 2: 5-6 NIV
For more on this topic, please visit the Sections WHY THEY ABUSE, BETRAY, OR ABANDON YOU, THE SILENT PARTNER, SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPENTING & APOLOGIES, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, and REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES
It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don't Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of her ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of her, and all she really has to do, is JUST STOP IT.
No forgiveness to the Narcissist who continues the abuse.
However, forgiveness and the requirement to forgive are not necessarily what we have been led to believe they are by our abusers and their enablers, or by others who are either misinformed or trying to deceive us. In the Bible, we are told to forgiveas the Lord forgave us.(Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32) The Lord forgives us when we repent. (Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19) He does NOT forgive those who are 'stiff-necked' , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either. By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives.http://www.luke173ministries.org/466805
Friday, October 25, 2013
Holidays are coming. DONM BE HAPPY. BEWARE
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466832http://www.luke173ministries.org/466832
Happier Holidays
YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.
'Insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result'.......Albert Einstein
This great post from our Sister Jenni really sums up how so many of us feel during the holiday season. Many thanks to our Sister for sharing her feelings with us and putting it into words so perfectly~
I hear you all on the holiday grief. For some reason this year I feel a bit
frozen... In the past I have felt really angry/sad because my kids don't have
reasonable grandparents, we have very little family to have any kind of
traditions with. I just feel like Christmas is coming WAY too soon and I'm not
emotionally ready for it. I want to hit the 'ignore' button. Which probably
means I'm shoving something under. Maybe multiple things under. I feel like I'm
just going through the motions and I really don't care, don't feel like dealing
with a tree, or lights, or any of the usual fun stuff. I don't really care that
my family sucks and husband's family sucks and husband sucks a lot of the time.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the responsible one. I'm tired of being the
one who cares, who thinks, who motivates. I'm tired of having people ask me to
do things they are clearly capable of doing themselves. I'm tired of 'helpless'
narcissistic people. I'm tired of going to stores and looking over my shoulder
for crazy family. I'm tired of being the one they accost rather than their own
son. I'm tired of hearing that my mother is lying about me, about what I said,
about what she said, about what she did. I'm tired of my husband's family lying
about me, about who I am, about what I am, about what I have said, about what I
believe, about who they are, about what they have said. I'm tired of stupid
people's stupid excuses for the mean and nasty things they do and say. I'm tired
of having to explain to my kids that just because we are surrounded by Ns in our
family does NOT mean the rest of the world should be viewed with suspicion. I'm
tired of worrying that my kids will grow up to be like the N family. I'm tired
of being so exhausted I can't do the things I truly enjoy. I'm just flippin
tired.
Wow... I did NOT know all that was in my head.
Jenni
frozen... In the past I have felt really angry/sad because my kids don't have
reasonable grandparents, we have very little family to have any kind of
traditions with. I just feel like Christmas is coming WAY too soon and I'm not
emotionally ready for it. I want to hit the 'ignore' button. Which probably
means I'm shoving something under. Maybe multiple things under. I feel like I'm
just going through the motions and I really don't care, don't feel like dealing
with a tree, or lights, or any of the usual fun stuff. I don't really care that
my family sucks and husband's family sucks and husband sucks a lot of the time.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the responsible one. I'm tired of being the
one who cares, who thinks, who motivates. I'm tired of having people ask me to
do things they are clearly capable of doing themselves. I'm tired of 'helpless'
narcissistic people. I'm tired of going to stores and looking over my shoulder
for crazy family. I'm tired of being the one they accost rather than their own
son. I'm tired of hearing that my mother is lying about me, about what I said,
about what she said, about what she did. I'm tired of my husband's family lying
about me, about who I am, about what I am, about what I have said, about what I
believe, about who they are, about what they have said. I'm tired of stupid
people's stupid excuses for the mean and nasty things they do and say. I'm tired
of having to explain to my kids that just because we are surrounded by Ns in our
family does NOT mean the rest of the world should be viewed with suspicion. I'm
tired of worrying that my kids will grow up to be like the N family. I'm tired
of being so exhausted I can't do the things I truly enjoy. I'm just flippin
tired.
Wow... I did NOT know all that was in my head.
Jenni
Holidays 2006 Letter
Dear Sisters, and Brothers Too,
Well, it's already started. As I write this, it's only the third week in September and already the pre-holiday aggravation is well underway for many of us. The traffic to our site has doubled, and the e-mails are flooding in.
The stress is over one of two things:
1. How to survive spending the upcoming holidays with abusive relatives, or how to finally get out of doing so.
OR-
2. Having suddenly been contacted by an estranged relative, or having an abuser we no longer have a relationship with sneak behind our backs and make contact with one of our children.
If you are going through this, or anticipating it, rest assured that you are most definitely not alone. In fact, this experience is practically universal. Control freaks just aren't known for accepting defeat and bowing out gracefully.
Abusers to whom we no longer speak will often lurk around in the background till they can catch us at a weak moment. They count on us being all warm and fuzzy and sentimental around the holidays and figure they can take advantage of that and get to us through guilt. Then when we let our guard down again and start trusting them a little (or as soon as they're nicely seated at our family table for Thanksgiving dinner and know we wouldn't have the nerve to throw them out or stand up to them in front of everyone else)- Bam! Their true colors come out and we're right back to square one!
This must have happened to me 150 times before I finally got it and stopped falling for it. I think a big contributing factor is that we are so conditioned to expect family problems during the holidays. We joke about it and even make movies about it. Magazine articles are written about how to 'handle' 'difficult' relatives at get-togethers. We treat it like it's a given. But it's not.
After 47 years of holiday fiascos, I, for one, got fed up with trying to 'handle' my relatives, always having to anticipate what might set them off, be one step ahead, not sit this one next to that one, and smooth things over fast before they exploded. It was upsetting, stressful, draining, and exhausting. I don't know how or when this became my responsibility, but it was never going to stop until I stopped it. I did that by just point-blank refusing to spend anymore holidays with them. And for the first time in my life, I was able to enjoy the holidays like I should have all along, with peace, joy, and my husband and kids, good friends, and 'normal' relatives.
I started a tradition of inviting distant relatives, friends, neighbors, and anyone who might be alone, to share the holidays with us. Everyone who came was great company and we all enjoyed every minute. So we continued with that tradition and pushed the 'delete' button on the abusers.
If there's one message I'd love to be able to get out there this year, it's that anyone and everyone can do what I did, and should do it if the alternative is spending Christmas or Thanksgiving being abused.
Nobody's family makes a bigger deal over the holidays than mine did. If I can walk away, so can you. I'm amazed that so many don't realize they have this option, and I didn't either. For 47 years, I never imagined that I had a choice.
Every year from about now till mid-January, it's always the same. Suddenly we get this tremendous increase in e-mails and hits on our website. It is just a hideous time of year for so many Adult Children as their abusers manufacture so many crises that never have to be. It's really disheartening. I just wish the light bulb would go on and everybody would realize that they do have the power to just say No, and make holidays plans that don't include their abusive families.
Yes, it will probably cause a rift when you rock the boat, but you have to get to the point where you're so desperate for some peace that you just don't care about their reactions anymore. There's a whole other world out there that our abusers don't want us to ever see or taste- a world of normal people who appreciate their families and can actually manage to be nice to one another. We ALL deserve joyful holidays, and those of us from abusive families only have to grit our teeth, take that first step, and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Don't waste 47 years like I did.
This holiday season, let's support each other as sisters and brothers in Christ. Please keep those facing this heartache and stress in prayer. We all need courage to take a stand and start our new life, and the Lord's comfort as we mourn and adjust to changes in our long-term traditions.
If you know someone with an abusive birth-family, please consider inviting her to join you for the holidays, so she'll have an alternative to either being alone or spending Thanksgiving and Christmas suffering through her family's abuse. Or contact your local homeless shelter or food pantry and spend the day serving the Lord, where you will be appreciated and be able to bless others. Take a deep breath and just say No to your abusers, reach out to someone else, and may the Lord fill your heart and home with his peace and joy. I'll be praying for wonderful holidays this year for all of us.....
God bless you always, Sister Renee
****Please read our articles to the left for practical suggestions....
****Why do Destructive Narcissistic relatives just love to ruin our holidays???? For the eye-opening unvarnished truth, check out Dr. Sam Vaknin's riveting article, 'A HOLIDAY GRUDGE':
IS IT TIME FOR A CHANGE?
The Christmas Holidays and Thanksgiving are a time for peace, joy, and thankfulness. We thank God for all our blessings and rejoice over the birth of our Savior Jesus.
We all expect a certain amount of stress and fatigue during the holidays. Shopping, cleaning, decorating, and cooking can take a lot out of us. And after all the work and rushing around is done, most folks can look forward to being rewarded with an enjoyable time surrounded by their loving family.
But for some of us, these holidays, as well as others (especially Mother's Day) are a time of extreme stress, anxiety, upset, depression, and exhaustion. We do not have an enjoyable time with family to look forward to. Instead, we dread the coming aggravation from controlling, ill-tempered, selfish, jealous, or abusive relatives.
We end up being disappointed, disillusioned, and saddened that every holiday has to be ruined by family members who should be expressing their love and gratitude instead. We feel doomed to never having a nice holiday.
And yet we do it again the next time. We keep doing the same things over and over again, hoping that this time, maybe it will be different, but it never is. We think we're doing everything right, but we must be doing something wrong! Guess who needs to make some changes here? (If you said your abusive relative, you're wrong- and you know that's not going to happen anyway!)
Sister, are you ready to make some changes? Are you ready to have the happy holidays you always wanted? Are you ready to change your definition of a 'family holiday'? Are you ready to experience the kind of holiday you and your husband and children deserve?
Then read on , dear sister. Just click on an article under the Happier Holidays heading on the left menu that interests you. We pray that our testimonies will help you claim the peace and joy of the holidays, in Jesus' name. God bless you and pour out his love, and the love of family and friends upon you during every holiday! In His love,
Sister Renee and Sister Denise
***For more on this subject, please visit the Sections on THE EFFECTS OF ABUSE, THE SILENT PARTNER & THE SILENT MAJORITY,SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES, CLAIMING THE VICTORY, OUR REAL FATHER, JOY IN JESUS, THE FREEDOM OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, and FINDING PEACE .
The Narcissist Mother KNOWS she's hurting you. She is doing it on purpose. Get out now!
FAQ About Abusive, Narcissistic, And Psychopathic Relatives
Luke 17:3 Ministries FAQ~ Answers to the questions we get the most about Abusers/Narcissists/and Psychopathic Relatives:
1. Yes, they know what they're doing.
1. Yes, they know what they're doing.
2. Yes, they know they're hurting you.
3. Yes, they're doing it on purpose.
4. Yes, they can control it. They do whenever they want to impress someone.
5. Yes, they could stop if they wanted to.
6. No, they don't love you, even if they say they do (Actions speak louder than words). They do not feel love, empathy, compassion or remorse. Your relationship is not about love. It's about control, dominance, power, attention, "respect", admiration, subservience.
7. No, you cannot change them. You can only change yourself.
8. Yes, there is something you can do. GET OUT. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's the answer. If it takes you years to accept this, you will always regret those lost years that you could have spent living a joyful life.
"Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, and will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty"...2 Corinthians 6:17-18.http://www.luke173ministries.org/FAQAboutAbusiveNarcissisticAndPsychopathicRelativeshttp://www.luke173ministries.org/FAQAboutAbusiveNarcissisticAndPsychopathicRelatives
The Narcicisstic Mother, the abuser, will tell you " OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM"
The Abuser's Reactions to http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466811Rebuke or Divorce
YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.
"Listen! And understand! That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!"....Kyle Reese, The Terminator, 1984
BETTER A POOR BUT WISE YOUTH THAN AN OLD BUT FOOLISH KING WHO NO LONGER KNOWS HOW TO TAKE WARNING.....Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV
FOOLS MOCK AT MAKING AMENDS FOR SIN....Proverbs 14:9
FOOLS HAVE NO INTEREST IN UNDERSTANDING; THEY ONLY WANT TO AIR THEIR OWN OPINIONS...Proverbs 18:2NLT
AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY.....Proverbs 26:11 NLT
BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT HEART, YOU ARE STORING UP WRATH AGAINST YOURSELF FOR THE DAY OF GOD'S WRATH, WHEN HIS RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT WILL BE REVEALED. GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE....Romans 2: 5-6 NIV
For more on this topic, please visit the Sections WHY THEY ABUSE, BETRAY, OR ABANDON YOU, THE SILENT PARTNER, SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, REBUKING, REPENTING & APOLOGIES, HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, and REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES
It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don't Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of her ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of her, and all she really has to do, is JUST STOP IT.
Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.
Please contribute to our site! If you can think of any more inappropriate reactions, please E-mail us and we'll include your ideas! Thanks!~I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE MAD AT ME (SEE THE ARTICLE "SELECTIVE AMNESIA") DENIAL GASLIGHTING INAPPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE DISPLAYS OF ANGER- GRITTING TEETH, SCREAMING, SPEEDING UP THE CAR, NAME CALLING, HANGING UP THE PHONE, PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKING AWAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL ON THE LINE AND THEN PUTTING IT ON THE HOOK SEVERAL MINUTES LATER, MIMICKING, IMITATING, OR MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU COMPLAIN OR CONFRONT HER, ETC. ACCUSING YOU OF TRYING TO START AN ARGUMENT, YELLING AT HER, SCREAMING OR SCREECHING AT HER, OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO UPSET HER. BECOMING VINDICTIVE OR VAGUELY THREATENING-"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU SAID", AS IF YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO CONFRONT HER. CRYING OR LAYING ON A GUILT TRIP-"i CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME", "YOU DON'T LOVE ME", "HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER?" 'I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF', 'THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM', 'IT'S SUBCONSCIOUS', 'YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN IT', 'I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF' AND VARIOUS OTHER MENTAL PROBLEMS (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SHE CAN'T HELP THE WAY SHE ACTS- SO YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, FORGIVE HER ANYWAY, AND NOT EXPECT HER TO CHANGE.') YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME/ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT/ YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE- VARIOUS VERSION OF 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT' WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN') REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.' SHE'S OLD (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE OLD AGE EXCUSES: SHE'S OLD- THAT'S HOW THEY GET & HE'S OLD- SO HE'S ENTITLED') BLAMING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES- WHEN THEY SENSE THEY'RE LOSING THEIR GRIP ON YOU- 5 SURPRISING WAYS OF KEEPING YOU ATTACHED.') BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE 'I DID IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SPIN CONTROL-MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING') 'WE WERE BOTH WRONG' OR 'WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER' WHEN IN REALITY THE VICTIM DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL. (SEE THE ARTICLES 'THE 'CHRISTIAN' ABUSER- TWISTING GOD'S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE' AND 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE....') TRIANGLING (ENLISTING SOMEONE ELSE AGAINST YOU)-(SEE THE ARTICLES 'THEY CAN'T ALL BE WRONG AND YOU RIGHT...OR CAN THEY?' and THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: HANDLING THE FAMILY MEDDLER...OOPS, I MEAN "PEACEMAKER") SARCASM 'I SAID I WAS SORRY' WITH NO CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR (SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION 'REPENTING AND APOLOGIES') TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S BEEN GOING THROUGH OR WHAT'S GOING ON IN HER LIFE, AS IF THAT JUSTIFIES HER ABUSING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE...VARIOUS VERSIONS OF 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT' WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN.') TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU, SO HER CONSCIENCE IS NOW CLEAR (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE CHRISTIAN ABUSER- TWISTING GOD'S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE, PART 2') TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY AMENDS TO YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY') TELLING YOU GOD FORGAVE HER AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HERSELF TO YOU OR RELIVE THE PAST (SEE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS- NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK'.) TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT.(SEE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK') TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER SO YOU HAVE TO, AS WELL.(SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOUR THINK') TELLING YOU NOT TO 'JUDGE' HER WHEN YOU ARE CONFRONTING HER.(SEE THE ARTICLE 'YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE ME- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGING AND REBUKING') TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....') 'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'(SEE THE ARTICLE 'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'-TROTTING OUT THE 'YOU OWE ME' EXCUSE FOR ABUSE') 'YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE' 'YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE....') REFUSING TO HEAR YOU OUT 'I'M LEAVING IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS' TURNING IT AROUND (GETTING ANGRY AT YOU FOR LETTING HIM KNOW HE UPSET YOU OR FOR SETTING LIMITS- TRYING TO MAKE YOU APOLOGIZE TO HIM!) 'I DID THE BEST I COULD' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE SILENT PARTNER') 'YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....') TELLING YOU OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM TELLING YOU YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HER; EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES HER! 'YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING' 'NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH' DISOWNING YOU, 'I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....') 'YOU DESERVED IT!' OR 'YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT' ESCALATING THE ABUSE NOW THAT HE KNOWS IT'S GETTING TO YOU.(SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....') 'LET'S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US' , 'DON'T TELL ________' (ABUSERS AND THEIR ENABLERS ARE ONLY ABLE TO CONTINUE THEIR ABUSE IF THERE IS SECRECY. THEY COUNT ON OTHERS BEING TOO INTIMIDATED TO EXPOSE THEM!) (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SPIN CONTROL- MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING') PRETENDING TO LOSE THEIR PATIENCE WITH YOUR COMPLAINTS-'JUST FORGET IT!' 'GET OVER IT!' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE....') MINIMIZING THE OFFENSE, TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL
Copyright 2002-2013.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.
|
Abuses of Adult Daughters - DONM
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466773
Birth-Family Abuses of Adult Daughters
YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.
"When people show you who they are, believe them"....Maya Angelou
An abusive birth-relative is most often a parent, but can also be a sibling, grandparent, cousin, aunt or uncle. When we refer to abusive, controlling, or abandoning "birth-families", we mean the family who raised you, and who was supposed to love, protect, and cherish you. This includes adoptive, step-, and foster families.
There are a number of behaviors that can be considered abusive, but we often don't think of them in that way simply because we have been raised experiencing these behaviors from a relative that we have known all of our lives, and we think of his behavior as normal, because it is all we have ever known from him.
Because we love this person, we tend to overlook his behavior. We have also been trained since childhood to ignore or make excuses for the abuse by other relatives who are in denial or who protect the abuser (see The Silent Partner). A family member's bad childhood, background, war experiences, alcoholism, personality disorders, psychological problems, etc., may help us to understand him, but should never be used as an excuse to justify his mistreatment or abuse of others. Whether he chooses to get help for his issues or not, he does not have the right to inflict them on anyone else.
We sometimes don't understand that we are really being abused until we compare our family relationships with someone else whose family does not behave in an abusive or controlling manner.
Any behavior which attempts to control you is abuse, simply because adults do not control other adults. When any given behavior causes you stress on a regular basis or begins to undermine your self-esteem, it has crossed the line into abuse.
Here are some examples of abusive behavior. Please e-mail us any others you can think of so we can add them to our list.
Criticism Manipulation Humiliation Betrayal Insults
Undermining self-confidence Guilt-Trips Name-calling
Disrespecting Intruding Unreasonable expectations
Treating you like a child Telling you what to do Unloving
Demeaning Not respecting your privacy Lying Stealing
Judgmentalism Raising voice at you Trying to bribe you
Threatening Disowning Making demands Sabotage
Expecting 'obedience' from you even though you are now an adult
Pressuring Snide comments Abandoning Giving orders
Inappropriate anger Frequent rudeness
Expecting you to take care of them or solve their problems
Expecting you to sacrifice for them while ignoring your needs (one-way relationship)
Instigating trouble between family members Selfishness
Prying Pressuring you to lie, cover up, or keep family secrets
Picking fights Screaming Belittling Sarcasm Using you
Complaining about you to others Denial Taking advantage
Whining or using tears to get own way The Silent Treatment
Making scenes in public or in front of your children
Pressuring you to take sides with them against other relatives
Blaming you for whatever they're unhappy about
Blaming you or others for whatever they do wrong
Insensitivity Inconsideration Hurtfullness Uncaring
Minimizing your feelings Nastiness Belligerence Cruelty
Making you doubt your perceptions Pouting Gossiping
Negative remarks about your weight, appearance, etc.
Transferring their abuse to your spouse when you get married, rejecting your spouse
Competing with your spouse
Trying to make an ally of your spouse, smothering your spouse with love to make you look crazy and turn him against you later on!
For more examples of abusive behavior, check out these lists:
For more on birth-family abuse of adult daughters, please see the Sections on Happier Holidays, The Abuser's Reaction to Rebuke, The Silent Partner, Why They Abuse, Abandon or Betray You, The Effects of Abuse, A Little About Us, Repenting & Apologies, Reprobates & Cutting Ties,Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted, Claiming the Victory, and Setting & Enforcing Limits & Boundaries, as well as the books reviewed in Reading Spotlight (especially Toxic Parents and Children of the Self-Absorbed ). God bless you, dear Sister, in your search for peace.
Copyright 2002-2013.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.
|
DONM-Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted
Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted
Adult Child Abuse
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL....
...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
...CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS....
...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....
...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE ORMAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICECHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !
Copyright 2002-2013.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link http://www.luke173ministries.org/466753
Definition of Narcicissistic Mother in the Bible: Refer to "devil", "evil", "enemy." Do not refer to "Mother."
I have been curious for some time as to the definition of "Mother" in the Bible.
I was asking myself:
How can I justify having to shut my "mother" out of my life?
How could the Word tell me to take care of her, honor her, become what she teaches me?
Where in the Bible does it define the Narcissistic Mother?
I kept thinking there has to be a definition. A loophole between the depiction of Mother in the Bible and my Mother with NPD. The "loophole" blatantly obvious, it was not.
I found depictions of narcissism in the Word easily;
Yet I question:
Am I picking and choosing words and sentences as definitions to make myself feel better?
Or has God really given me permission in the Word to shut out evil. To shut out my Mother with NPD?
A religious scholar, far from am I. In fact, I have only found my faith again in the last few years. Real Faith. Real Love of God. Real Trust in God. So God only knows (no pun intended) if I am interpreting accurately anything I read in the bible. Add in the DONM characteristic of low self esteem and that of my blinding denial and there you have it. Back to square "confused." Back to square "guilt."
In my "non scholarly" interpretations I saw that perhaps the Holy Spirit wanted to guide me to finally care for myself. ?
As a DONM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) one knows it is really like having no "mother" to raise the child. Worse, an evil, hateful, torturous, scary, pain inflicting adult called "mom." A mother with NPD is an absent mom. Even though, in my case, the NPD mother figure was physically present. Present to control my every move. To manipulate my every emotion. To induce fears each day. To hold me responsible for her unpredictable moods. To be punished for being alive. To be punished for relying on her for anything. Even for needing food.
Are my findings for the definition of "mother" with NPD in the Bible guiding me to finally show myself love?. To finally find the safe place I have never known? To understand what it is like to have a loved one listen instead of redirect every conversation to them?
Is it time to stop feeling guilt? Feeling guilt over anything. Things I don't even comprehend. Another trait taught to us DONM. We were taught to own it all when we were too young to even speak.
Is it time to stop accepting the projections of my Narcissistic "mother?" .
To stop owning her erratic, reprehensible blaming and lashing out at myself and others? Stop owning her constant projecting of her narcissistic characteristics onto me and others? Never to take responsibility for her own actions. Blaming anyone but her. Never taking ownership in her martyristic mind. Her evil soul. Repetitiously inflicting her malevolent behavior onto family. Her pathological lying such the norm that I even questioned facts in front of me.
Perhaps my " denial blindness" is a learned trait. Perhaps it was a gift.
Is God guiding me to the narcissistic depictions in the Bible to tell me to shut the door to evil? To her? . Is my interpretation of mother in the bible correct in that it DOES NOT include this female person with NPD who bore me?
"Mommy Dearest" will have to find a new competitor.
I do not care what others think. Quiet your judgments if you have not walked in my shoes.You have no clue. Judge me all you like. I don't care. For I have had to predict and take responsibility for "her" emotions since before my memories could stick in my brain. My strength now is unsurpassed. So judge me for "leaving" my family. I mean no harm. No harm unlike the "mother" with NPD who intentionally inflicted harm on me even as an innocent child. The same "mother" you think I should not "leave."
And, BTW- for the record, my "mother" with NPD kicked me out of her life first. Kicked me out ( I'll describe that fun at some point) while I am battling cancer yet again. Perhaps I am no good to her now. I am either too ill and not useful, too ill which makes her work to top it with her made up illness, OR too pretty, too successful, too nice, too something or other in one direction or the other. A direction in the NPD mother's world the daughter is not supposed to be. For a mother with NPD cannot be needed. A child is a burden and the NPD mother will make it known forevermore. The mother with NPD also competes with her daughter. Competes instead of taking pride in her daughter as the good person she has become.
Yes indeed. She kicked me out of her life first. Again-lol. This time it is for good........ For good on my end.
Yet who can blame her as I am a terrible daughter for allowing her to pick a house of her choice for me to buy. I am a terrible daughter to kindheartedly care for her so that she'd never have to move again.So that she would be able to finally save for retirement.
Yet I came to find out with a mother with NPD, the control of everything is a must. Even controlling actions of a kind nature. A gift. My caring act was not on HER terms because the deed had to stay in my name for a few years per my accountant due to my tax situation.
How dare I! I guess living rent free for the rest of her life if she chose was not good enough for her.
Not having the title/deed in her name meant she'd have to remember to whom she told which lies. To whom did she boast that SHE bought the house or whatever facade she created in her grandiose sense of self head.
She'd have to recall he boasting she did about herself. Her amazing self, according to her.
In reality, the only self of hers that is tru is one that is jealous, envious, angry, deceiving, backstabbing, abusive, and just plain evil.
Could she even recall the lies she told her friends and acquaintances? Lies to make up for her envy because she repetitively envied that they "all had "money."
"Mommy Dearest" on the other hand only had her life choices and consequences of her actions.
Her grandiose sense of self. Which include her inability to accomplish a goal, perform honest hard work or do anything but cause harm and pain to others.
Mommy Dearest"" sees herself as a victim. A victim who now suffers without a title in her name. How awful. Instead she only has a forgiving kindhearted daughter that thought enough of family to take care of her. To make sure "Mommy Dearest" had a beautiful house and money in her pocket to make up for the lack of retirement she failed to save. A daughter who wanted to help and care for "Mommy Dearest" even when Mommy Dearest never helped in the daughter's success. A "Mommy Dearest" who even tried to halt her graduation from college. Now the daughter, the DONM, knows why:) Competition.
If the mother with NPD were not so self involved, she may have realized that no one would have to know who's name the title was in. Her daughter doesn't boast like she. Yet that would take the mother with NPD to realize her daughter is a good, respectful person. The NPD mother, "Mommy Dearest", would have to have focus on someone other than herself. Not happening. Ever. Unless there is a gain in it for "Mommy Dearest." No one will ever know what suffices as "gain" in the unhealthy, self centered mind of the "Mommy Dearest."
I forever close the door. I feel safety, love, calm, peace, grace.........All of the qualities I never knew as a DONM.
Not knowing my mother had NPD, I made a huge .......wonderful "mistake."
A mistake......I now call a blessing! My act would most likely be interpreted as gracious, loving, with honest good intention to you and I. Yet to a narcissistic mother, the act backfired beyond belief creating in her perhaps a feeling of loss of control. Perhaps a feeling of brutal disappointing truth in herself. Perhaps bringing a feeling of loss in the competition with her daughter that only she is aware. That only a narcissistic mother would ever think to create.
My well intended loving action to care for her only extended her tantrums and chaotic behavior beyond belief. Beyond belief with no rhyme or reason to confuse me even more as if I were that small child again manipulated and on the receiving end of those nonstop pathologic lies of hers. The confusion lasted for a few weeks until my Google search for "Why does my mom become a martyr. A victim in most situations."
Ta Da! Confusion no more. There it was. NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Careful not to put the first "label" or diagnosis on my mother, I researched and read extensively. Could this be true?
How could my mother have NPD and I am just now finding out in my 50s?
My husband had even purchased the book "Will I ever Be Good Enough" after he saw the author on Oprah. He is not a man in touch with feelings. He's the normal man in thoughtfulness which in my experience is about a 3 on a scale of 1-10. So the fact that this episode on Oprah persuaded him to actually buy me the book because he thought it described my mother's treatment of me should have been enough to open my eyes.
My mother is the convincing , funny, center of attention, make you laugh person who's cruel treatment of her family is secretive and only happens behind closed doors. So even the few times I shared with my husband the odd, manipulative behaviors, lies and ways of my mother; it seemed he thought I was lying. In my mind I thought, "He's right. Of course it is me making a big deal out of nothing. I am sure all parents are this way. It has to be me overreacting. For sure I knew I was not lying. But I could see how it sounded like the Twilight Zone. It had to be me." Me and my low self esteem. Add a dollop of denial and you have the perfect DONM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) Sundae!
Perhaps denial kept me dreaming that I still had a chance at the "Brady Bunch" family. If I just led by example with patience, kindness, forgiveness, loving, giving and caring. Perhaps it would rub off on her.
Are you laughing yourself to tears right now? You should be! Because That is how funny I now realize my joke on myself was. Absolutely gut-busting laughter erupting WTFrick!!!!! An awesome reality of a joke. I CAN laugh at my "blindness" with you. :)
Not having a diagnosis or a definition, such as narcissism or NPD to pinpoint my mother's continuing and even worsening behaviors, the blatant truth of my family life escaped me until a few weeks ago.
So awhile back I followed the Bible.
I wanted to do what is right. To do what God expects. Do what makes the world right. I followed Joyce Meyers (TV evangelist) who bought her father a house and cared for him in his old age. The father who sexually abused her most of her childhood.
Wanting to be a good Christian, I wanted to care for my mother as the Bible says to do. To care for my mother with a kind heart, unconditionally, with the means God blessed my life with through hard work and fortitude. He blessed me with the intentions to always do the right thing, pay it forward, be generous, help the less fortunate and never give up.
The lesson here: God is NOT talking about our NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS! The definition of "Mother" in the Bible in no way describes our Narcissistic Mothers. If you want to find the definition of our Mothers with NPD in the Bible refer to "evil", the "enemy", the devil and any analogous words to describe the former such as "yeast", etc.
A good blog I found in my research today for the loophole separating Mothers with NPD from the real mother is http://tinagilbertson.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/estrangement/?blogsub=confirming#subscribe-blog. I hope it is proper etiquette to refer to another Blog on my Blogger. If not or if it is considered plagiarism of some sort, please give me feedback and I'll be happy to delete. I am new at this Blog thing.
What did I do you ask? What was my action that brought on so much hate from "Mommy Dearest?" I bought a house that my mother picked out to live in so that she and my stepfather could grow old in one house and never have to move from rental to rental again.
I am a horrible daughter, I know.
The loophole I found in the bible is that the narcicisstic person who bore a child does NOT deserve to be called mother. Nor does she match the description or the mercy due to mothers the Bible describes.
For she is Evil. Pure evil.
I will pray for her. I do forgive her. I will continue to work on having no fear of her. No worry over her next, predictable retaliative action. Her malevolent actions will be coming at me as long as she's alive.
I close the door to "Mommy Dearest."
I was asking myself:
How can I justify having to shut my "mother" out of my life?
How could the Word tell me to take care of her, honor her, become what she teaches me?
Where in the Bible does it define the Narcissistic Mother?
I kept thinking there has to be a definition. A loophole between the depiction of Mother in the Bible and my Mother with NPD. The "loophole" blatantly obvious, it was not.
I found depictions of narcissism in the Word easily;
Yet I question:
Am I picking and choosing words and sentences as definitions to make myself feel better?
Or has God really given me permission in the Word to shut out evil. To shut out my Mother with NPD?
A religious scholar, far from am I. In fact, I have only found my faith again in the last few years. Real Faith. Real Love of God. Real Trust in God. So God only knows (no pun intended) if I am interpreting accurately anything I read in the bible. Add in the DONM characteristic of low self esteem and that of my blinding denial and there you have it. Back to square "confused." Back to square "guilt."
In my "non scholarly" interpretations I saw that perhaps the Holy Spirit wanted to guide me to finally care for myself. ?
As a DONM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) one knows it is really like having no "mother" to raise the child. Worse, an evil, hateful, torturous, scary, pain inflicting adult called "mom." A mother with NPD is an absent mom. Even though, in my case, the NPD mother figure was physically present. Present to control my every move. To manipulate my every emotion. To induce fears each day. To hold me responsible for her unpredictable moods. To be punished for being alive. To be punished for relying on her for anything. Even for needing food.
Are my findings for the definition of "mother" with NPD in the Bible guiding me to finally show myself love?. To finally find the safe place I have never known? To understand what it is like to have a loved one listen instead of redirect every conversation to them?
Is it time to stop feeling guilt? Feeling guilt over anything. Things I don't even comprehend. Another trait taught to us DONM. We were taught to own it all when we were too young to even speak.
Is it time to stop accepting the projections of my Narcissistic "mother?" .
To stop owning her erratic, reprehensible blaming and lashing out at myself and others? Stop owning her constant projecting of her narcissistic characteristics onto me and others? Never to take responsibility for her own actions. Blaming anyone but her. Never taking ownership in her martyristic mind. Her evil soul. Repetitiously inflicting her malevolent behavior onto family. Her pathological lying such the norm that I even questioned facts in front of me.
Perhaps my " denial blindness" is a learned trait. Perhaps it was a gift.
Is God guiding me to the narcissistic depictions in the Bible to tell me to shut the door to evil? To her? . Is my interpretation of mother in the bible correct in that it DOES NOT include this female person with NPD who bore me?
"Mommy Dearest" will have to find a new competitor.
I do not care what others think. Quiet your judgments if you have not walked in my shoes.You have no clue. Judge me all you like. I don't care. For I have had to predict and take responsibility for "her" emotions since before my memories could stick in my brain. My strength now is unsurpassed. So judge me for "leaving" my family. I mean no harm. No harm unlike the "mother" with NPD who intentionally inflicted harm on me even as an innocent child. The same "mother" you think I should not "leave."
And, BTW- for the record, my "mother" with NPD kicked me out of her life first. Kicked me out ( I'll describe that fun at some point) while I am battling cancer yet again. Perhaps I am no good to her now. I am either too ill and not useful, too ill which makes her work to top it with her made up illness, OR too pretty, too successful, too nice, too something or other in one direction or the other. A direction in the NPD mother's world the daughter is not supposed to be. For a mother with NPD cannot be needed. A child is a burden and the NPD mother will make it known forevermore. The mother with NPD also competes with her daughter. Competes instead of taking pride in her daughter as the good person she has become.
Yes indeed. She kicked me out of her life first. Again-lol. This time it is for good........ For good on my end.
Yet who can blame her as I am a terrible daughter for allowing her to pick a house of her choice for me to buy. I am a terrible daughter to kindheartedly care for her so that she'd never have to move again.So that she would be able to finally save for retirement.
Yet I came to find out with a mother with NPD, the control of everything is a must. Even controlling actions of a kind nature. A gift. My caring act was not on HER terms because the deed had to stay in my name for a few years per my accountant due to my tax situation.
How dare I! I guess living rent free for the rest of her life if she chose was not good enough for her.
Not having the title/deed in her name meant she'd have to remember to whom she told which lies. To whom did she boast that SHE bought the house or whatever facade she created in her grandiose sense of self head.
She'd have to recall he boasting she did about herself. Her amazing self, according to her.
In reality, the only self of hers that is tru is one that is jealous, envious, angry, deceiving, backstabbing, abusive, and just plain evil.
Could she even recall the lies she told her friends and acquaintances? Lies to make up for her envy because she repetitively envied that they "all had "money."
"Mommy Dearest" on the other hand only had her life choices and consequences of her actions.
Her grandiose sense of self. Which include her inability to accomplish a goal, perform honest hard work or do anything but cause harm and pain to others.
Mommy Dearest"" sees herself as a victim. A victim who now suffers without a title in her name. How awful. Instead she only has a forgiving kindhearted daughter that thought enough of family to take care of her. To make sure "Mommy Dearest" had a beautiful house and money in her pocket to make up for the lack of retirement she failed to save. A daughter who wanted to help and care for "Mommy Dearest" even when Mommy Dearest never helped in the daughter's success. A "Mommy Dearest" who even tried to halt her graduation from college. Now the daughter, the DONM, knows why:) Competition.
If the mother with NPD were not so self involved, she may have realized that no one would have to know who's name the title was in. Her daughter doesn't boast like she. Yet that would take the mother with NPD to realize her daughter is a good, respectful person. The NPD mother, "Mommy Dearest", would have to have focus on someone other than herself. Not happening. Ever. Unless there is a gain in it for "Mommy Dearest." No one will ever know what suffices as "gain" in the unhealthy, self centered mind of the "Mommy Dearest."
I forever close the door. I feel safety, love, calm, peace, grace.........All of the qualities I never knew as a DONM.
Not knowing my mother had NPD, I made a huge .......wonderful "mistake."
A mistake......I now call a blessing! My act would most likely be interpreted as gracious, loving, with honest good intention to you and I. Yet to a narcissistic mother, the act backfired beyond belief creating in her perhaps a feeling of loss of control. Perhaps a feeling of brutal disappointing truth in herself. Perhaps bringing a feeling of loss in the competition with her daughter that only she is aware. That only a narcissistic mother would ever think to create.
My well intended loving action to care for her only extended her tantrums and chaotic behavior beyond belief. Beyond belief with no rhyme or reason to confuse me even more as if I were that small child again manipulated and on the receiving end of those nonstop pathologic lies of hers. The confusion lasted for a few weeks until my Google search for "Why does my mom become a martyr. A victim in most situations."
Ta Da! Confusion no more. There it was. NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Careful not to put the first "label" or diagnosis on my mother, I researched and read extensively. Could this be true?
How could my mother have NPD and I am just now finding out in my 50s?
My husband had even purchased the book "Will I ever Be Good Enough" after he saw the author on Oprah. He is not a man in touch with feelings. He's the normal man in thoughtfulness which in my experience is about a 3 on a scale of 1-10. So the fact that this episode on Oprah persuaded him to actually buy me the book because he thought it described my mother's treatment of me should have been enough to open my eyes.
My mother is the convincing , funny, center of attention, make you laugh person who's cruel treatment of her family is secretive and only happens behind closed doors. So even the few times I shared with my husband the odd, manipulative behaviors, lies and ways of my mother; it seemed he thought I was lying. In my mind I thought, "He's right. Of course it is me making a big deal out of nothing. I am sure all parents are this way. It has to be me overreacting. For sure I knew I was not lying. But I could see how it sounded like the Twilight Zone. It had to be me." Me and my low self esteem. Add a dollop of denial and you have the perfect DONM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) Sundae!
Perhaps denial kept me dreaming that I still had a chance at the "Brady Bunch" family. If I just led by example with patience, kindness, forgiveness, loving, giving and caring. Perhaps it would rub off on her.
Are you laughing yourself to tears right now? You should be! Because That is how funny I now realize my joke on myself was. Absolutely gut-busting laughter erupting WTFrick!!!!! An awesome reality of a joke. I CAN laugh at my "blindness" with you. :)
Not having a diagnosis or a definition, such as narcissism or NPD to pinpoint my mother's continuing and even worsening behaviors, the blatant truth of my family life escaped me until a few weeks ago.
So awhile back I followed the Bible.
I wanted to do what is right. To do what God expects. Do what makes the world right. I followed Joyce Meyers (TV evangelist) who bought her father a house and cared for him in his old age. The father who sexually abused her most of her childhood.
Wanting to be a good Christian, I wanted to care for my mother as the Bible says to do. To care for my mother with a kind heart, unconditionally, with the means God blessed my life with through hard work and fortitude. He blessed me with the intentions to always do the right thing, pay it forward, be generous, help the less fortunate and never give up.
The lesson here: God is NOT talking about our NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS! The definition of "Mother" in the Bible in no way describes our Narcissistic Mothers. If you want to find the definition of our Mothers with NPD in the Bible refer to "evil", the "enemy", the devil and any analogous words to describe the former such as "yeast", etc.
A good blog I found in my research today for the loophole separating Mothers with NPD from the real mother is http://tinagilbertson.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/estrangement/?blogsub=confirming#subscribe-blog. I hope it is proper etiquette to refer to another Blog on my Blogger. If not or if it is considered plagiarism of some sort, please give me feedback and I'll be happy to delete. I am new at this Blog thing.
What did I do you ask? What was my action that brought on so much hate from "Mommy Dearest?" I bought a house that my mother picked out to live in so that she and my stepfather could grow old in one house and never have to move from rental to rental again.
I am a horrible daughter, I know.
The loophole I found in the bible is that the narcicisstic person who bore a child does NOT deserve to be called mother. Nor does she match the description or the mercy due to mothers the Bible describes.
For she is Evil. Pure evil.
I will pray for her. I do forgive her. I will continue to work on having no fear of her. No worry over her next, predictable retaliative action. Her malevolent actions will be coming at me as long as she's alive.
I close the door to "Mommy Dearest."
The Narcissistic Mother Cannot Say Sorry. Ever. Move On. Forgive. Boundaries and Goodbye to Survive.
See the Blog: http://tinagilbertson.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/estrangement/
"If you now tell me I hurt you despite my efforts not to, I might feel so broken by that “criticism” that I need you to be wrong. If I tried my best and still didn’t do as well as I wanted to, what does that say about me? And what have I done to my child? And here’s a taboo thought: What did my parents do to me? It’s all too much; you must be mistaken."
"If you now tell me I hurt you despite my efforts not to, I might feel so broken by that “criticism” that I need you to be wrong. If I tried my best and still didn’t do as well as I wanted to, what does that say about me? And what have I done to my child? And here’s a taboo thought: What did my parents do to me? It’s all too much; you must be mistaken."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)